So I don’t feel like I have to explicitly explain where I’ve been for the last 10 months, right? There’s so much vulnerability in the world today and I’ve been too drained to formulate thoughts…and I don’t want to just regurgitate the same crap everyone has already felt/heard. I’m still in the thick of all of this like everyone and I don’t take that lightly. But I should probably honor myself when I feel capable, right?
Here is what’s on my heart.
I try to not spend much time giving into the thoughts of ‘after’. Looking forward is usually a tool I use to keep myself afloat. Having plans in the future is something we all (typically) enjoy, right? Well, I feel as though I’m personally in a secondary loss cycle-first I lost all the plans I had in 2020 and had to grieve those, and then I lost the ability to make new plans. Actually, now I’m kind of in the tertiary cycle of just grieving the ‘anniversaries’ of all 2020 losses (both personal and communal). Given all that- it’s probably self-preservation that’s keeping me from thinking about anything else but just today…but maybe that’s not a completely horrible thing?
Typically I am able to grin and bear just about anything when challenged. That’s partially a learned behavior but also it’s a professional expectation in my line of work. But. I have burned all the fuel I had reserved and I am on E (and not the “E” where you actually have like 30 miles left, The engine is cutting out, y’all). My energy is just depleted from worry and caution, even when I don’t leave my couch for hours at a time.
Hear me out.
Of course I’ve cycled through all the feelings. And now, I am o-v-e-r trying to find any type of silly ‘silver lining’ to all of *hand gestures toward the world* this. Silver linings are a privileged thought. BUT. My brain continues to try and make some sense of *maniacally waving” all of this. It’s a vicious cycle in this noggin’ of mine.
And here is where I’ve landed while trying to make sense of all *this* in order to keep moving forward:
My hope for the great return is that we’ve learned to prioritize balance. And I mean that in the grandest of terms. Some things in life require gunning it to 100, others perfect stillness-and I am learning to honor that. I hope *this time* as taught us to listen to whatever is calling our energy so that we can rightfully and honestly adjust. It’s the only thing I’m planning, for now. To balance calm with excitement. To honor rest and enjoy busy. This virus has forced us all to physically halt, which, maybe some of us needed in order to step back and and stop racing around at top speed all the time. It hasn’t been fun (u n d e r s t a t e m e n t), but if we’re looking for a ‘positive’ for those of us lucky enough to still be alive after all this, maybe it’s this little lesson of how important balance is to life.
(Oh, I’m currently watching Cobra Kai so that may be what sparked this whole balance thing *shrug*.)
I am going to use the next…however long until we’re reach our ‘after’, refueling. Someday will come, someday- and I want to be prepared.